sorry but i am going to have to muse some more on my condition this afternoon. i have written my lecture - in the end it think its quite good or at least its ok and interesting and the powerpoint has a fun start so it should keep them interested for a bit. i don't know why i worry quite so much but i do.

i hate being ill - did i mention this? - and i hate the lows that come after the highs of the past few weeks. no contact at all today from the muppeteer - and more to the point i doubt there is going to be any unless i instigate it. which makes me kind of sad and - yes admit it - a little cross. after all i did say that if she didn't want to play she didnt have to (or words to that effect)maybe this is simply cathartic - im getting angry as a way of dealing with my heartfelt disapointment that she doesn't seem to want to see me. after all she is lovely and bright and ticks so many boxes. ho hum. im concious as well that i am muddling her and my feelings for her up with Her and my frustration with Her. none of which is fair on any of us.

my aunt died at the weekend - she's not my only remaining aunt i have at least two - and i would be lying if i said that i was close to this one. but its another elderly relative down and another funeral. incidently in talking to my cousin - who broke the news - it appears i am related (however distantly) to oliver cromwell's chaplain. explains my republicanism if not my aetheism but i digress..

i haven't felt down since J and i split up until today and part of it is to do with being ill and with being tired (damn that alarm)but i think mostly its that im still searching for mrs/miss right. i don't want mrs willdoatapinch or missokbutwearguealot and certainly not ms itwasgreatforthefirstyearbutthenitgotstale - no i want this time to find the perfect person. so if you happen to be reading this and are single open minded unbothered about having children independent enjoy being spoiled from time to time and fun to be with then feel free to get in touch - oh it would help if you at least didn't mind rats..

can't deny that this morning im not feeling my usual happy self the weather is all wet and dull with little prospect of it cheering up. today i have to finish my lecture that i wish i'd never started, then i have exam questions to set (which i hate doing) and the oldbailey reports to mark. if im in post next year this will be better because they will all count. add to all of that the fact that i still have a cold and its landed on my chest which hurts and ive got a cough and that some stupid alarm kept goiing off last night and making me up every hour. what is the f@*kin point on having an alarm if it just sounds and no one comes?

She is coming to dinner - should be pleased or even excited but im not. im cross with Her. last time she made me feel that everything was my fault, then she came over all lovey and yet has says nothing about it - like it never happened (which is exactly how she reacted last time!) i think She constructs her own peculiar reality to allow Herself to come up smelling of roses every time. she even managed to slag of the doncaster belle when everthying about that situation was Her fault. she is, as my towcestrian ami suggested, no good for me. and i have to be up early tomorrow to go to london. did i mention i was feeling crappy? hurrumph